3.40 Asteroid impact warning and protection

There is a one in 120,000 chance that a near Earth object 1km long will crash onto planet Earth within the next year. There is a one in twelve million chance someone will win the UK National Lottery on Saturday night. Yet someone often does. (As I was a High School drop out at 16, I never did pass any exams on statistic comparisons, but I spent a lifetime learning how government finances are explained, so excuse the "fiddling of the figures").

For those who believe in God as I do, it is not an act of distrust in the divine to plan for worst case scenarios, however unlikely it may happen or be allowed to happen. Such sincere believers have probably taken out life insurance policies to protect their loved ones without feeling that they are pulling the rug out underneath their faith.

I therefore authorise the use of atomic weapons in space for two tests which I will now describe. I direct that the major tribal nuclear powers with additional support from scientists and engineers from the tribal Sovereign states of Germany and Japan start planning a joint mission to plant a nuclear detonator on a relatively large distant asteroid in the belt between Mars and Jupiter and blow it up.

The second test will be more complicated. I direct that given 24 hours notice by me during an extremely difficult launch criteria a similar mission with the same objective, lands and destroys a very small near Earth object (asteroid).

Upon successful completion I direct at least two separate teams be placed on permanent 24 hour standby: one in China, the other in the USA.

In the meantime, I direct the senior astronomers who control the major computerised telescopes in the World to automatically spend a mere 12 minutes a day searching for dangerous non-terrestrial real estate such as comets and asteroids.

I direct central control and day to day management be set up under the auspices of a new United Nations agency created for the purpose.

And finally, the atomic bombs to be used for Earth's future protection are requested to be the complete nuclear arsenals of the Sovereign tribal states of India and Pakistan who should be honoured forever more as being the first nuclear powers to disarm with the goal of protecting the human race. The leaders of these Sovereign tribes should jointly press the detonation buttons during the aforementioned tests to prove planet Earth's defence is working.

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